On this day in 2018, we were in the hospital enjoying our first full day with our beautiful daughter. I cannot believe it’s already been two years.

In many ways, parenting has gotten easier. Gone are the days of being stuck on the couch with a cluster feeder, getting up every hour or two at night, and being consumed with having a good nap schedule.

But in many ways, it’s also gotten harder. While Madeline has only just turned two, she’s already been dabbling in “terrible twos” behavior. It’s a whole new chapter in parenting. But it’s one that I am so grateful to be entering.

Even on the hard days with Madeline, I have this newfound appreciation for the struggle. I’ve always been incredibly grateful for our child, but I’m even more grateful for her after experiencing loss.

I’ve long agonized about whether I should share this on my blog, but here I am. This spring we lost a baby. He or she stopped developing sometime around 6 weeks, but we didn’t find out until 8 weeks, and my body held onto the pregnancy until nearly 11 weeks.

It felt like my world stopped spinning.

Waiting for the miscarriage to begin, waiting for it to end, ending up in the hospital twice, having to undergo a procedure, and a longer-than-normal recovery from the procedure… those are the things that have consumed my life for most of this year. There’s been very little “normal.”

In addition to all the things I’ve been dealing with related to the miscarriage, I also recognize the impact of the current global pandemic. No one reading this has lived a “normal” life this year. We’re all struggling in some way; I’m not alone in that.

But I have a hope and a peace and a joy that surpasses understanding. (It’s a thing that you can have too, if you don’t already.)

Although I am not grateful for my miscarriage, and I am not grateful for the pandemic, I am very grateful for the ways that God has drawn me closer to himself during this difficult season, and for the things He has been teaching me as I lean on Him.

I spent a lot of time sitting in bed this spring, enduring a very long miscarriage. This afforded me an incredible amount of time for being in the Word and reading Christian books. God was so gracious to use his Word and the writings of His children to reveal sins that were hidden so deep in my heart that I didn’t know they existed.

I truly am a different person because of my miscarriage. I’m not perfect, and I’ve got a lot of growing still to do, but God’s been doing some serious pruning.

If you’re struggling right now – if you’re in the midst of a storm – I want to challenge you to open up your heart and allow God to use this situation for your good. We may never understand all of His reasons for allowing hardships, but we know that He loves us, and He is ALWAYS doing 10,000 things we cannot see. We have to trust Him.

I’ll be honest, there are moments when I picture what life would be like today if my pregnancy had been viable. What would I be doing to prepare? How big would my belly be? But God has me where He has me for a reason. I am choosing to trust Him and His plan for our family. His ways are better than my ways.

As I wait for the things I want, I will cling to my faith and my family. I will love my family and serve them with my whole heart. It will be an active waiting. And I will depend on God with each new sunrise, knowing that no matter the outcome, He is still good. Will you do the same?